


The Cinema with the Murhpys.

by wtfidekanymore



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Borderline Personality Disorder, Gender Dysphoria, Trans Connor Murphy (Dear Evan Hansen), Trans Male Character, dead naming, kind of a vent, unedited
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-30
Updated: 2018-08-30
Packaged: 2019-07-04 16:49:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 837
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15845376
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wtfidekanymore/pseuds/wtfidekanymore
Summary: Connor decided to brave it out in the public with his mother and sister.Of course it didn't go well.





	The Cinema with the Murhpys.

Connor and Zoe had been dragged out with their mother to watch a movie as she did whenever she wanted some decent family bonding time. Larry couldn’t come this time, being as he actually works.

Zoe had opted out on waiting in line and Connor just followed aimlessly as he read ‘Lord of the Flies.’ on his phone.  
It was a pretty awkward silence as you could imagine, his mother didn’t know where to start on conversation, rather she was too scared to mess up. Connor was just preoccupied and was totally fine with staying in his own bubble.

It wasn’t long before his mother made a small gasp sound and tapped a blonde on the back. The woman turned around and made the same shocked face as she began talking to Cynthia. 

Connor glanced up at the interaction but immediately looked down at his phone again.

“Over there is Zoe look,” Cynthia mentioned in her usual optimistic tone. She always sounded different when she spoke to friends or people who should keep up a good impression of her. She didn’t want to seem unorganized.  
With a point the ginger gestured to her daughter who glanced up and waved with a small confused expression.  
Poor Zoe, Connor thought. 

Connor glanced back up and he and his mother made eye contact briefly and Connor already felt his heart sink before he lowered his gaze. 

“Oh she’s so much bigger. Goodness, last time I saw her she was so small.” The blond lowered her hand down in an open gesture to show how short Zoe used to be. 

Connor wasn’t mentioned, which he expected.

He had just gotten to the end of the page, which, he realized he hadn’t taken any information in from, when he felt a gaze on him. Or was that just his ticking paranoia again?

After he looked up- again, fuck- he locked eyes with the blond and looked down immediately. 

He didn’t read then, just pretended to read as his chest churned uncomfortably and adrenaline pumped through his veins. He was suddenly conscious of his heart rate and breathing. His heart was thumping out adrenaline that wasn’t needed and his breathing was shallow and short. More like huffs.

He zoned out then, focusing on his heart and lungs like they were their own separate thing. How his heart- or whatever caused feelings to happen- burned with a sudden burn of gasoline fire. He focused on pulling his lip studs through his lip and pushing them back out, a stim he did usually that he probably should stop. 

He knew why his mother didn’t introduce him.

And then she was turning to him

“What?”

“Wha? Haha.” Cynthia mimicked with a small smile and Connor just glared and spoke with a bit more energy,  
“What?”

“Oh, we’ve come to see a Marvel film haven’t we?”

“Civil War.”

“Oh yes! That one.” She beamed, fake, Connor gathered as her eyes seemed to be pleading, ‘please, not here come on.’

He just looked down again, spinning his one ring on his finger as his lip began to ache. 

“Oh- is that Caitlin?” Connor’s breath caught in his throat. 

“She was this small when I last saw her, weren’t you?”

Connor closed his eyes and sighed. He had been out as a male for two years and, by now, things like this didn’t bother him that much.  
Not like it used to.  
But this was clearly and old friend of his mothers, whom his mom could’ve said, ‘No, it’s Connor now.’ Very easily. 

Maybe she was embarrassed and ashamed to be seen around him?

Figures.

He just glared between his mother and the woman before humming in acknowledgement and glaring down at his knuckles.

There was an awkward silence between the women before, finally, the blonde left to get her tickets.

“Are you angry with me?”

“Yes?” Connor locked eyes with his mom, “Of fucking course I am-“

“Connor please don’t say-“ Cynthia spoke in a hushed tone. 

“It’s not that hard? Is it?”  
His heart was thumping even harder now. He could hear his pulse.

“Well, I haven’t seen her in years. I’d prefer to explain over a meal really.”

The teen scoffed and his grip on his phone tightened, “Its not difficult to explain, ‘oh, he’s Connor now.’ Really-“

Cynthia sighed exasperated and when she moved forward to get tickets Connor walked away, pitting his headphones on.

He didn’t want to watch a shitty movie anymore. He wanted to go home...

Maybe sleep, or drink, get high if he had anything left in his last batch. He probably didn’t, it was a month or so ago when he got it.

He sat down opposite his sister and she looked up slightly startled before sighing, “Whats wrong?”

“Mom.”  
He snapped and she seemed to looked back to whoever she was messaging. She didn’t push.

He could be reading in his bed right now. He could be sleeping right now. He could be— 

Connor just wanted to disappear sometimes.


End file.
